Finding My Lost Pieces
I am... eh, no ... I WAS a compilation of lost pieces for most of my life. There were parts I didn't have access to thanks to deeply ingrained defense mechanisms. There were emotions I couldn't feel or acknowledge due to never having the opportunity to do so freely growing up. There were wounds I couldn't express because I wasn't allowed that privilege. These were all parts that were lost and buried deep inside me. These pieces missing, left me feeling broken, fragmented, incomplete. Through my healing journey I have been able to locate a lot of those pieces and connect them together so they weren't lost bouncing around inside me. With every piece found, I feel a little more complete... a little more free.
I am currently learning, rather remembering seeking out lost pieces is no cake-walk. It feels impossible. There have been many points on this journey that have felt impossible, yet here I am still trucking along. The piece I'm reaching for now is no different or less important than any other pieces... so I won't give up on it. The problem with it is, it seems the less lost pieces there are in general the harder it is to locate them and fit them into the right spot where they belong.
I like to tell myself I can live without the lost piece but I know deep in my heart that's just not true. The longer this piece stays hidden the more cold, bitter and heartless I feel and I don't want to live that way. I don't want to be seen that way. I walk around on a daily basis with this sadness rattling around inside me but I can't seem to grasp it enough to actually feel it and connect to it so it can be put in its rightful place, so it's just there as an under current. I can name the piece... sorrow, grief... more importantly tears, but I can never hold it long enough to actually get relief from it.
This piece has been an ongoing stuck point for me in my journey and my therapist and I are regularly working on it. Recently we were having a conversation that struck my heart a little differently though, which was actually the motivation for this blog. Our sessions frequently involve conversations about God as that's another important lost piece I'm working on, opening my heart to Him. She mentioned a part in the bible where Jesus is telling a parable about if you have 100 sheep and one gets lost you leave the 99 to search for the 1. The analogy intrigued me so much that I actually wanted to find it in the bible and read more. Considering I have opened my bible maybe 5 times in my adult life, that's saying a lot. I ended up getting some assistance in locating it but Luke 15 is where it's at. The two things that stuck out to me were 1. the importance mentioned of rejoicing when the lost sheep is found and 2. how Jesus relates it to the importance of one repentant sinner being rejoiced in Heaven over 99 righteous persons that do not need to repent.
Now, that's more of a bible reference than I ever intended to make in my writings but it is what it is and it's what brought me the motivation and encouragement for this writing. I once was a lost sheep... or piece in God's grand picture and He is regularly seeking after me... He never lets me stay lost.
Point being... I have experienced the joy in finding my lost pieces and putting them together in the grand picture of me. Finding and connecting to lost pieces is definitely rejoice worthy. The harder the search, the more impossible it feels, the greater the relief and freedom when the lost piece is rightfully where it belongs. If I seek after my lost piece half as much as God sought after me.. I'll get there.
When I was at my most undesirable, unworthy... when I didn't think I was important. He chose me, all of me. That tells me... I need to work on trusting Him and I need to choose me as well. All of me. All my pieces are important. They all have a place. They all have a purpose. Even the hard ones... ESPECIALLY the hard ones.
