Harder Before Better

When my PTSD symptoms and anxiety started to make my life unmanageable, I turned to alcohol to help numb the pain.  Eventually, alcohol no longer numbed me but it caused more problems than I had to begin with.  At that point I had two options.

Option 1:  Stay on the path I was on that was causing more pain and trauma.  The path that inevitably was going to lead to my death.  Whether that be by suicide, alcohol, or some other dangerous scenario I got myself into.  Either way this option kept me stuck.  It kept me alive and surviving in the moment but really held no guarantee and certainly wasn’t getting better.  Living in my PTSD and anxiety this way- on this path- was hard and excruciatingly painful; and it held no chance of getting better.

Option 2:  Seek therapy and face my trauma knowing that things were going to get harder before they got better, but then there was a better to get to.  This option meant I would have to face the pain, hurt, and impact of my trauma.  However, it also held access to coping skills and tools to help lessen the blows.  This option was not easy by any means.  It was guaranteed to get harder before it got better, but it held the promise that there would be a better. 

For the first year after starting therapy, I held on to option one.  I continued to drink and avoid truly facing the impact of my childhood trauma.  Nothing got better.  Alcohol stopped helping and the pain I was in only grew.  Sure enough this option led me to suicide that thankfully was not fulfilled.  I was given the chance to try option two. 

Yes, it did get harder before it got better.  I purposely had to pay attention to my body and triggers so I could understand and accept the impact my trauma had.  I didn’t have to relive my trauma, but I did have to honor the way my body felt about the trauma.  In a lot of cases, as trauma survivors, we didn’t think we would survive the trauma the first time.  We didn’t think we were strong enough to cope with the emotions the trauma caused us to feel.  I can tell you that when those things are worked on with purpose and healing in mind, it does eventually get better.  We survived the actual trauma that we had no control over; the hardest part is already over.  So with help, as hard as it is, it does get better, and we do grow even stronger.

If you’re watching someone you love go through healing for their trauma, please don’t give up on them.  Their emotions may seem stronger, flashback/nightmares may get more frequent, and anxiety or startle response may be heightened.   That doesn’t mean healing isn’t happening. It means they need a little extra comfort and care to help them honor and reassure the piece that’s trying to come through to be processed properly.

It will get harder before it gets better but it does get better.  

-JJ

“…doesn’t mean healing isn’t happening.

It means they need a little extra comfort and care to help them honor and reassure the piece that’s trying to come through to be processed properly.”

-JJ