It’s Not Fair

I don’t know about anyone else, but I can’t count how many times I have mumbled under my breath, or screamed into the abyss THIS ISN’T FAIR.  You’re right, it’s not fair.  There isn’t much as trauma survivors we face, that is fair.

I used to refuse to admit out loud the “It’s Not Fair” thoughts because inevitably someone else has it worse than I do.  At this moment in time though, I just don’t care and all I want to do is scream from the mountain tops; THIS IS NOT FAIR.  None of it is Fair!  There’s a nagging voice in the back of my head repeating “Ya, we know, life’s not fair, it’s not fair for anyone.”  Bullshit!  I know everyone has their struggles, even those that have not experienced trauma, but there are people on this planet that have never had an ounce of struggle, an ounce of trauma and I am happy for those people, don’t get me wrong, I am.  I would never want to take away anyone’s joy and happiness because they have it easier than I did.  I rejoice for those people.  But it absolutely makes the “It’s Not Fair” feeling, so much more pronounced.

I have a good handful of people in my life that have never experienced trauma in their lives, and they are some of my favorite people and I want nothing but the best for them but when I look at their lives and compare them to mine, I see that I am “behind”.  Yes, I know, I also shouldn’t compare my life to others, but I am human; and I do sometimes.  These people are 10 plus years ahead of me financially, socially, emotionally, mentally because they weren’t stunted by childhood trauma.  They didn’t have to put all their focus on figuring out how to survive at the beginning of their adulthood because no one taught them adequately how to do so as a child, or because they were stuck in the messages of childhood keeping them from “maturing” like “normal” young adults.

I have spent a really good chunk of years doing everything in my power to move out of trauma messaging and better my life, for my sake and my children’s sake.  I have put in an exceptional amount of work to not be the same traumatized drunk I was 8 years ago.  And I am not that person anymore, for all intents and purposes, life is much better than it was.  I see that, I know that, and I acknowledge that. But in reality, I am no better off right now, in these moments than I was before my CPTSD symptoms took hold, before the alcohol became a problem.  Actually, in a lot of people’s eyes I have less.  Normally, I would say the peace and happiness I have found outweighs the things I don’t have, but I am not really feeling the peace and happiness lately, so I feel like I am back to square one.  I do and have been doing all the things I am told will help things be better.  I worked really hard to get a job I love and feel like I am giving back, extra training for future employment or different employment that I can find purpose in, meetings for my alcoholism, therapy weekly, trying to stay in the moment, mindfulness, take a break when I need to for my mental health, working on my spirituality, give myself the love I feel I need and don’t get, connection with people; all the things; and still I just want to scream… It’s not Fair.

It’s not fair we have to endure whatever it is we endured.  It’s not fair we then have to deal with flashbacks and nightmares when we aren’t given the tools to deal with them in real time.  It’s not fair that time was lost not knowing there was a better way other than the ways we learned how to survive.  It’s not fair that through healing we have to accept all the things our younger, traumatized selves protected us from feeling in the moment.  It’s not fair that we had to live in survival mode, and then figure out how to get out of survival mode and grow and thrive.  It’s not fair that we can do all the things and still feel like we have no idea what we are doing.  It’s not fair the trauma pulled me away from the things that help, like God and connection; cause finding my way back is harder than keeping it in the first place, that isn’t fair.  It’s not fair that we were hurt, sad, betrayed, disappointed by those that were supposed to love us and protect us.  It’s not fair that we have moments of feeling further behind in our healing journey than we did in survival mode because we are dealing with learning how to cope with things, we should have been taught how to cope with a long time ago.  It’s not fair that our trauma messaging tells us we are unlovable, unworthy, unneeded, unwanted; and we have to fight doubly hard to combat that and believe it’s not true.  It’s not fair we feel loneliness on a deeper, more intense level, because we are all too keen on being abandoned and rejected.  It’s not fair that we can feel like we already healed a piece of us just for it to come back and hurt even more.  The fact that we were traumatized isn’t fair.  The fact that healing is HARD isn’t fair.  The fact that we have to fight extra hard to “Get better” isn’t fair.  We didn’t break us, yet WE have to fix us, THAT IS NOT FAIR.

So, the next time you feel compelled to be frustrated THAT THIS IS NOT FAIR, know you are not alone.  I have put a lot of work into myself and getting better and at this point in time all I want to do is scream from the mountain tops, IT’S NOT FAIR.  The next time you feel like you are behind, please remind yourself that we don’t know the road that brought everyone to where they are.  What I do know is that my road had a lot of mountains to climb, rivers to cross, fires to avoid, and potholes to maneuver around and those things would have set anyone back, but I overcame every obstacle. It’s not fair that my road wasn’t as smooth as others, nothing about trauma is fair.  It’s not fair because it’s not the design.  Don’t diminish your ‘It’s not fair’ feeling out of guilt, you are not alone in that feeling and you have the right to feel it.  It will actually do you a world of good to allow your inner self, little you to accept and feel the truth behind “You are right!  It was not fair.  It should not have happened.”  I’ve been working on accepting that for a while now, so until you feel it in your core, know you are not alone.  Nothing about trauma and healing from it is fair.