My Truth

For the past six years of my life, I was brought down everyday with the words I was told and with the actions that I was shown. I was abused and traumatized, thinking I wasn’t ever good enough, for myself, for the world. These feelings I felt were wrong, they were not facts, but opinions of someone else, not me.

For a long time, I did not accept myself for who I was, and even more so I did not admit what I was going through at home, and just how much it had really impacted my mental health. 

Just a few months ago, I found myself wandering in the cold March air; rain fell down above me, the river still frozen over below. I didn’t mind the weather, I couldn't feel anything and that was a feeling I was used to. I mean, it was the reason I had walked as far as I did to where I was. Nothing seemed to matter, what I felt was hopeless and life seemed like it would be so much easier to end than continue living a life not being. It was supposed to end on the bridge that night, but it didn’t.

I am a 19 year old who suffers from PTSD and depression. It took me years to accept and admit that in actuality I wasn’t fine, and that yes it did bother me when I was treated that way.

I feel like a big step of overcoming any mental illness is first accepting and admitting you have a problem. For me, that was the hardest part, but once I actually admitted it, I finally was able to get the help I needed. 

Yes, I may have gone through some tough shit these past few years and I may have a mental illness but I no longer will say I am suffering from mental illness. Rather, that I am embracing it for what it is and not letting it debilitate me. It is not depression and PTSD that define who I am, but they are a part of what makes me who I am. I live with it, but I am my own person.

Over these last few months, I was able to open my eyes and see what I am capable of. I was lost and did not know whether I would find myself, but now I can say that I know who I am and be confident and hopeful in the next steps I take in my life.

I am a runner, a writer, an artist, a musician, a student, a baker, a Spanish enthusiast.

I am kind, empathetic, humorous, caring, helpful, and smart.

I am me and I’ve just got to mother fucking love myself.

Mental health has played a huge role in my life even before I really understood it. I always thought I wanted to be a teacher because I wanted to make a difference and connect with my students one on one. I realize now the reasoning behind it wasn’t generally what I first thought. Looking back, it was because I enjoyed the connectivity I received from helping people, creating bonds, and making even just the slightest difference. I made the choice to become a teacher because I was sure that was what I wanted, but I am not quite sure if that is where I truly belong. I know I can make a difference as a teacher, but I have witnessed first hand just how effective mental health workers really are. What I have learned is that through my experiences and my past I was able to become the person I am today. I want to help others who struggle with mental health illnesses to be able to find the hope that I did and to move on to the next chapter of their lives. I admire those who have used their negative experiences to create a passion to care and help others; they changed their narrative and made their own stories.

Being able to teach others about their mental health and to help them work through their struggles takes a lot of dedication. It takes courage and a certain amount of vulnerability, and it's in that vulnerability that connections are made and hope is created. When you struggle with mental illness, hope is not very common. Hope: wishful thinking or a desire for something to happen, that’s what I thought it meant. Now I can see there is more to it than that. Hope is being able to see a future and knowing that even when we are not sure what is going to happen, trusting that we will make it through, making us stronger than we were before. Hope is believing that you can change and that the past can be put to rest, it is trust that you can find yourself and be free once again. When you can see that life is worth living, because it is, it is then that you are well on your way to recovery. Recovery does not happen in a short span, but it is something we are constantly working on. Each time you make it through a difficult time in your life you should take a moment to be proud of yourself for surviving, mentally and physically. From there, you will be able to accept the past for what it is—the past. You will be able to forgive yourself and others and find peace in your life. It is important to remember that you are more than capable of surviving anything with the help and support from others and that it is okay to ask for help. There are so many resources we do not know are available to help us until we do something we regret and face the consequences. Staying connected with those who care and support you is something we all take for granted, never knowing how much a person means until they’re gone. We need to hold on to the ones we love and make it a priority to let them know just how much they mean to us, and how much we appreciate the things they have done or do for us.

I want to share my story and what I’ve learned. I am hoping that it shows people that even though it may feel like there is no hope, there is. This is why it is important to realize that maybe you aren't actually okay, and perhaps this isn’t a healthy way to feel better, and that what is happening is not normal. It is more than alright to reach out and get the help you need because there are people out there who want to help and it makes someone so brave to admit this to themselves and for prioritizing their mental health, because when it goes downhill, it’s hard to get back up without the support of others.

I’ve learned a lot about myself, and about mental health. It is because of this that I am very grateful for all the people who have been with me and helped me through these struggles, not only these last few months but years also. I would not have made it to where I am without them and their constant care and support. I know now that I have value and am loved. I am enough and that’s all I can ask for.

Hope is being able to see a future and knowing that even when we are not sure what is going to happen, trusting that we will make it through, making us stronger than we were before.

- A