Self-Sabotage
I can come up with 100 reasons on why I haven’t written a blog in over a year. Some of the reasons would explain a couple months hiatus, but none of them would be completely truthful for the extent of the hiatus. The only one that is completely honest would be, I have a propensity to self-sabotage. I have no requirements for this blog, no timelines. I write about trauma, healing and mental health for Footnotes simply because I love writing and it’s good for me. Writing has always proven to be a positive outlet for me, something that assists in my own healing journey. Writing about my journey of healing and hope, for others to read brings joy and purpose to my life in a way I’m exceedingly passionate about. When I choose, whether consciously or unconsciously, not to do something that brings joy (especially when I know I am struggling) or prevents joy from being present in my life, that is self-sabotage.
In most cases, with trauma survivors, self-sabotage is not intentional, and it is done completely unconsciously. It took me a long time to pin-point that my behaviors were self-sabotage and why I did them. Once I was able to figure out the ‘why’ and become aware of my behavior as self-sabotage, it was easier to get out of the cycle and extremes of my self-sabotage. Most of my ‘whys’ stem back to just a few snippets of trauma messages I learned that caused me to believe:
*I didn’t deserve to have goodness in my life
*My only purpose was to be a doormat for others to use and abuse.
*What I felt didn’t matter.
*No one cared, it didn’t matter if I lived or died.
With those sentences as my driving force I made an abundant amount of decisions that I look back at now and see as self-sabotage.
*Every time I took a drink of alcohol after knowing I was an alcoholic, was self-sabotage.
*Continuing to drink even when I was well aware it would get me kicked out of my sister’s house and later my cousin's house (twice), was self-sabotage.
*Not eating for days on end even when my body was screaming at me that I was hungry, was self-sabotage
*Cutting myself and numbing the pain was self-sabotage.
*Putting myself in dangerous situations where I continued to be abused, was self-sabotage
*Choosing to continue behaviors like drinking, who I hung out with and antagonizing arguments I knew prevented my (at the time) husband to not allow me to see our children, was self-sabotage.
*Not accepting help when it was offered or I knew it was available, was self-sabotage.
*Every time I lied and said “I’m Fine” or “I’m okay” when I was far from that, was self-sabotage.
In my traumatized brain, when my self-sabotage “worked” and I ended up with the negative response I thought I deserved, it proved to me I was right. I didn’t matter, I had no worth, no one cared, and I didn’t deserve happiness. Pay no mind to the fact that no one forced me to behave that way. No one forced me to drink when I knew the consequences. No one forced me to become homeless, living in a tent camp by the river being abused on a regular basis. I could have left at any point; I was never a prisoner. The only thing that kept me imprisoned in that cycle was the trauma messaging telling me it’s what I deserved. More importantly, that it would be easier to sabotage anything good that came my way because it would just bring me heartbreak and disappointment when that abandoned me as well.
Then there was Footnotes! “There is nothing you can do or say that has the power to make me reject you!”. Here I am in the midst of doing everything I can to push people away and that’s what my therapist at Footnotes said to me. I remember it like it was yesterday. I have to admit, I took it as a challenge, which I don’t suggest; but she stuck to her word. And let me tell you, there was definitely some conscious trying to sabotage that; for no other reason than I could not fathom that someone might actually care and want to see me get better.
I have been working on my self-sabotage tendencies for a while now; they haven’t disappeared completely. Honestly, I am not sure they ever fully will. They do however look very different these days.
*I won’t write when I know that it will help.
*I’ll go too long without drinking water.
*I won’t speak up when I have an opinion, even if it’s something silly like where I want to eat.
*I’m still very ridiculous about answering “I’m fine” or “I’m Okay” when I very much am not.
*I will stop myself from going to the AA meeting I enjoy, or fellowship after.
*Not sleeping when I am tired.
*Not saying yes to something I know would be enjoyable, or not saying no to things I don't want to do.
*Sometimes, things as little as how I’m most comfortable sitting in therapy.
I no longer do these things because I don’t think I deserve a shred of happiness, or that I am worthless, or that no one cares. I do them because it’s what I know. My traumatized self reverts back to them as a comfort because I am still uneasy when things are going good, I feel happy or accomplished. The difference now is I am aware of self-sabotage. I may not recognize it right away but it doesn’t take the extremes anymore for me to smack myself on the back of the head and say “knock it off, we don’t live that way anymore”. In instances like with my writing, I may recognize it and still be unable to change it for a while. Being aware of any problem though is the first step in fixing it and making progress to change it. Progress not Perfection is what we strive for!
